Life can be difficult and painful to live when feelings of not being understood or heard are hunting us on a daily basis…
Diving Inside Our Head
All we just want is for them to say “You know what? You are right. How could he/she have said that about you?”, “You don’t deserve any of this, you didn’t really do anything wrong!”. But instead of admitting that, they are judging or blaming us. And it keeps coming, from different people, same complaints, or same people, different complaints. Honestly, they just did not get where we were coming from and did not take the time to put themselves in our shoes. They don’t understand how it is to be us and feel what we felt. “This is not fair!” we think.
Uncontrollable feelings start to take us, we feel the urge to defend ourselves. And we either express our disagreement out loud, or don’t say a word, but inside our head, we have a full blown monologue about how “f***ed up” they are, or it is!
“Why are they saying what they are saying about me? They don’t even know what they are talking about!” And after that, we may say to ourselves “You know what? Never mind. Why waste my time trying to explain myself, they don’t get it, what’s the point?”. Those angry thoughts linger in our heads.
Darker thoughts start creeping in our mind…
Deep down, secretly, without really even admitting it, there is this subtle feeling that we wish Karma gets them back, so they finally get it and feel what we feel. “That’s what they will get for daring to judge me and for not wanting to understand my side of the story!” we think.
What Just Happened Here? Why All Those Feelings Urging Us to Defend Ourselves?
In order to understand what happened, let’s take the time to ask ourselves why we felt how we felt. Let’s attempt to understand the mechanic behind how we express ourselves.
First, let’s understand that what we just did was simply reacting. Let’s forgive ourselves for that, and not judge ourselves.
This reaction was caused by emotion(s) we immediately started feeling, as soon as we heard what we heard. In other words, we put into thoughts, and sometimes words too (defending ourselves out loud) what we felt inside.
Now let’s ask ourselves what it is that we actually felt inside?
When someone is complaining or judging us, in our mind, it translates as the person not being accepting of us. It can even go deeper as we may see it as the person not loving us. It is called feeling Rejected.
There are also the following thoughts that we may have “How dare he say that about me, he thinks he knows better than me? He thinks he is better than me?” These thoughts come forward from our Ego self. Think about the Ego as a King or Queen living inside of you. Would such majesty ever allow anyone to “talk down” on them? Never !! Here it is called the fear of feeling Inadequate.
Other feelings are: not feeling good enough and not feeling loved.
Now let’s realize something here. All this time, we are inside our heads dealing with our emotions and thoughts. No matter what it is that we feel, they are simply all expressions of deep pain. The pain is what creates these emotions coming in all these different forms. It feels painful to feel rejected, inadequate, unloved, etc…
Why are we in pain?
Pain is a tool that our body uses to communicate to us that there is a wound that has not healed yet. Let’s take the example of a wound on the surface of or skin. If the wound is still there, and someone touches it, what happens? We react! “Ouch, don’t touch it!”. Our body signals our brain that it needs care, attention, and time for it to heal properly. Therefore our body will use pain as a messenger.
As we see, it is a communication method our body has. Now, let’s go back to this feeling of the emotional pain we had. When someone touches our pain, by criticizing, judging, insulting us, etc…, we react! “Why are you saying all this to me?!” Emotions are tools for us to understand that there may be a wound deep inside that we have. These emotions are sometimes unknown to us, and they need our attention and tender care.
When we understand this, we realize that the person in front of us is actually helping us identify certain built-up emotions and wounds that are affecting us without us realizing it. It can affect our thought process, the way we see life, the way we respond to life, our beliefs. It can affect all of how we will live life, how we interact with our environment, people and even ourselves.
If we want to go deeper here, we could actually thank the person who pointed out what they saw in us. If we reacted to it, it was because it affected us. We would not react to someone who says that they don’t like our purple hair if we actually didn’t have purple hair, would we? And even if we did have purple hair, if other people’s opinions did not really matter to us, we would not take it personally.
Now, the next helpful step will be to ask ourselves, where is this pain coming from…?
In a next chapter ; )